I was sitting in a coffee shop at the University of Calgary campus about a month back, watching the snow drift down, waiting for Beth-Rose to finish her dance audition. She’d been in there for hours. I kept refreshing my phone for no reason, ordering another Americano I didn’t need, pretending to read a book. And somewhere between the second and third coffee, it hit me. This was really happening. She was auditioning for the next chapter of her life, and the chapter I was sitting in was almost over. We’re preparing for the empty nest, without being entirely ready.
(If you missed that Calgary trip, I wrote about it here: She’s Ready, I’m Not. Spoiler: I’m still not.) Also, yes, she nailed the audition.
Four years ago, I wrote a post called What Happens When The Nest Is Empty?. I was reading about Jonathan the tortoise, the oldest land animal on earth, and somehow that sent me down a spiral about becoming an empty nester. Zachary was 17 at the time, “going on 29,” and I joked that Heather and I were about to become a couple of old tortoises wandering our little island.
Well. We’re closer than I’d like to admit.
The Calendar Is Running Out
Here’s what the next few months look like in our house. Beth-Rose has about two months of high school left. A couple more months of dance. A summer dance trip to Ontario. And a trip to Germany to visit her bestie Jana. And then, just like that, university.
That’s the list.
I know it looks like a full summer on paper. But every single one of those things is a “last.” Last dance performance. Last trip home from practice. And the last summer before everything changes. And every time I glance at the calendar, another square has been crossed off.
The months are racing. We are not ready. The two things are, apparently, unrelated.
What I Got Right (And Wrong) In 2022
Back in 2022, I made a Pros and Cons list to help me wrap my head around preparing for the empty nest. I figured I’d check in on how that’s aging, with one kid already gone and the other one circling the runway.
The Pros I Was Promised
Cooking for two and popcorn dinners. We’ve had a dress rehearsal for this a few times. It’s fine. Turns out popcorn for dinner is a lot less fun when there’s nobody around to disapprove.
The Man Cave. Still not built. The recliner exists. The beer cooler exists in spirit. The tropical beach video is a screensaver on the tv I mostly use to watch while writing. Close enough.
The end of Dad’s Door Dash for Beth-Rose’s dance days. Ha. Hahaha. I was in Calgary for her audition a couple of weeks ago. She now drives herself to dance. I think my Door Dash days are done. Honestly, I’m a little sad…
More International Students, Airbnb, a renovated basement full of hipsters. None of it. The basement is still the basement.
Actually putting money into a savings account. Let me get back to you on that.
Beth-Rose’s room staying clean. I’m not even going to dignify this one with a verdict.
Travel. We’ve done a bit of it, but usually with a kid or two. Also exhausting. Also not quite the same when you keep thinking, “the kids would love this.”
No more worrying. This one made me laugh out loud. With Zachary living on the Mainland, the worry hasn’t gone anywhere. It just relocated.
The Cons I Was Warned About
Reading the cons list back was harder. 2022 Michael was pretty honest about this part. The engaging dinners. Complaining about them not calling. Sitting in an empty room. Wondering if they’re home safe.
Every bit of it. Exactly as advertised. I just didn’t know it then.
Quick Zachary Update
Since you haven’t heard about him in a while. Zachary did leave the Province, just like I predicted. We packed him up, dropped him at the airport(he didn’t want us to come to Guelph with him), and came home to a quieter house. It hit me hard for about a week, and then life did what life does.
Then, one semester in, he called to say the program wasn’t the right fit. He came home, regrouped, and enrolled in something different entirely. These days he’s on the Mainland, doing his thing, figuring out his version of adulthood. Not the tidy arc I imagined in 2022, but honestly? A better one.
He taught me something I didn’t know I needed to learn. “Leaving the nest” isn’t a single event. It’s a series of them. And the parents don’t really get a say in the timing.
The Part I’m Still Sitting With
Here’s what I got wrong four years ago. I thought becoming empty nesters would be one awful moment when the last kid drove off. Like a door slamming shut.
But it’s not like that. It’s this. Right now. A Wednesday night with Beth-Rose at dance, the calendar on the fridge down to one page, knowing she’s already one foot out the door even though her toothbrush is still in the bathroom.
The panic I felt in 2022 was real. But it was about the wrong thing. I thought I was mourning the loss of my identity as a dad. I wasn’t. In fact I was mourning the version of my kids who needed me the most. And that version has been slipping away for a while now, quietly, in the background, exactly as it’s supposed to.
Being their dad doesn’t end. The job just changes. I keep reminding myself of that, usually in the dead of night when I wake in a panic.
Two Months
So. Two months of high school. A handful of dance days. A trip to Ontario. A trip to Germany. Then she’s off.
I’m not ready. I don’t think anyone really is. But I also don’t want to spend these last few months dreading them, because that would be a waste of the months. So Heather and I are trying to be here for it. Go to the dance competitions and final performance. Fly to Ontario for the dance convention. Help pack the Germany suitcase. Ask the questions. Stay quiet when we should.
The nest isn’t empty. It’s winding down. And the only thing I know for sure is that the months are racing, and no amount of wanting them back will slow them down.
So I’ll take the dinner conversations while we still have them.
Over To You
If you’ve been here, or you’re staring down the barrel of it like I am, I’d love to hear from you. How did you handle those last few months before they left? What do you wish you’d done differently? And please, for the love of all that is holy, tell me the Man Cave dream is still achievable. Drop a comment below, and thanks for reading.
