So I started working out the other day. Nothing too crazy, mind you, I have to take things a bit slow. I’ve been leading a pretty sedentary lifestyle as a senior. Another word for it might be “lazy”. So I thought I’d start with something moderately challenging: trimming my toenails.
I say that mostly as a joke. I actually started with an actual workout. Nothing crazy, just 25 minutes or so of weights and squats and such. My actual motivation is not to slim down, to have more energy, to sleep better. No, my motivation is to be able to trim my toenails!
But before I got to those 25 glorious minutes of moderate physical activity, I had to figure out what the heck I was supposed to be doing. See, I haven’t exercised with any consistency since approximately 1997. Maybe 1998 if we count that brief period where I walked to the mailbox every day.
So naturally, I did what any modern senior does when confronted with a problem. I turned to the interweb.
The YouTube Influencer
First stop: YouTube. Within thirty seconds, I’d discovered Brad “The Shred” Mackenzie*, a twenty-three-year-old with abs you could grate cheese on and the kind of enthusiasm that makes you tired just watching him. “What’s up, guys!” he yelled into the camera while doing one-armed pushups. “Today we’re going to DESTROY your core with this insane 90-minute routine!”
Ninety minutes? I can’t even watch a 90-minute movie without a bathroom break. But Brad seemed so confident, so full of energy, so convinced that I, too, could have a six-pack by simply “wanting it bad enough.” I bookmarked the video.
The Instagram Influencer
Then I found Destiny Wellness*, an Instagram influencer whose bio read “Age is just a number ✨💪.” All well and good for someone in their early 20s…She was demonstrating something called a “burpee to tuck jump to handstand” sequence. She made it look effortless, like gravity was just a suggestion she’d chosen to ignore. The caption promised that if I did this move twenty times every morning, I’d “unlock my body’s natural youth frequency.”
I didn’t know bodies had youth frequencies. I thought that was just classic rock radio stations.
And so I spent three days consuming this content. Three full days of watching people with perfect posture and matching workout outfits tell me that getting fit was simple, easy, and mostly about mindset. All I had to do was wake up at 4:47 AM (very specific, that one), drink a kale and spirulina smoothie, do 500 jumping jacks, and “commit to the grind.”
The grind. I’m 66 years old. The only grinding I want to do involves coffee beans.
But I was determined. So I woke up one Tuesday morning, put on sweatpants that hadn’t seen action since the Clinton administration, and attempted Brad’s beginner routine. And by “beginner routine,” I mean the one he labeled “for people just starting their fitness journey who already have a solid foundation.”
I did not have a solid foundation. I had a foundation that was more like a house built on sand during an earthquake.
The Results
Five minutes in, I was lying on my living room floor, questioning every decision I’d ever made. My cat walked by and gave me a look that clearly said, “This is embarrassing for both of us.”
Okay, I thought, maybe Brad’s routine was a bit ambitious. Time to try Destiny’s approach. I pulled up her video on “gentle morning stretches for active seniors.” The first stretch involved putting my foot behind my head.
My foot hasn’t been behind my head since… actually, I don’t think my foot has ever been behind my head. I’m not sure my foot and my head have ever even been formally introduced.
I tried anyway. There was a sound. Not a good sound. A weird sound. The kind of sound you hear in horror movies right before something terrible happens. I decided to stop before my body filed a formal complaint.
The Website
Next, I discovered a website by Tommy “No Excuses” Rodriguez*, who specialized in “equipment-free workouts you can do anywhere.” Great! I thought. I don’t have equipment. This is perfect. Tommy’s philosophy was that all you needed was your body weight and determination. His workout involved something called a “pistol squat,” which, despite the name, does not involve firearms.
It does, however, involve standing on one leg and lowering yourself down while keeping the other leg straight out in front of you. You know, like a flamingo with a death wish.
I attempted one pistol squat. I am now intimately familiar with the structural integrity and fine wood grain of my living room floor, having examined it very closely with portions of my face.
Chaos Theory
My next fitness discovery was this guy, 46 year old Titan Blaze*. At last, someone who’s not still living in their mom’s basement, monetizing their social media profiles with fake workouts. I’m sure this guy’s routines will be more in line with my fitness goals, my sedentary lifestyle, and my current state of physical conditioning. Or lack thereof…
Besides, he’s a certified trainer. Just look at all his credentials!
- Certified Holistic Architect of Strength (C.H.A.O.S.)
- Level IV Quantum Fat Disruptor
- Institute of Aggressive Mitochondrial Awakening Guru(I.A.M.A.Guru)
And his regimen sounds completely doable. Don’tcha think?
The Ultimate Metabolic Chaos™ Transformation Protocol
By Coach Titan Blaze, C.H.A.O.S. (Certified Holistic Architect of Strength)
“If your workout makes sense, you’re not pushing hard enough.”
Welcome to the only program scientifically engineered* to confuse your muscles into submission.
(*Science not currently available for review.)
This is not for the faint of heart. This is for warriors. Visionaries. People who want to burn fat so aggressively that their Fitbit sends out 911 alarms. WARNING. Not for those who lead a sedentary lifestyle.
PROGRAM STRUCTURE
- Duration: 12 Weeks (or until spiritual enlightenment)
- Frequency: 6 days per week
- Daily Workout Time: 3.5–4 hours (minimum)
- Rest Between Sets: None (rest is for snowflakes)
PHASE 1: METABOLIC SHOCK IGNITION (Weeks 1–4)
1. Barbell Pre-Exhaust Squat Curl Press
- Load: 315 lbs (minimum; if you can walk afterward, increase)
- Reps: 100 continuous reps
- Sets: 5
- Instructions: Begin with a squat, transition into a bicep curl, immediately leap vertically, and press overhead while exhaling through only your left nostril.
If form deteriorates, simply tighten your aura.
2. Reverse Incline Upside-Down Pushups (On Stability Bosu Ladder)
- Reps: 200
- Sets: 3
- Tempo: 7 seconds up, 0 seconds down (let gravity decide)
Place feet on a ladder, hands on two Bosu balls, head suspended between kettlebells. Engage your “inner core vortex.”
3. Treadmill Hill Sprint Meditation
- Speed: 15 mph
- Incline: 30%
- Duration: 90 minutes continuous
- Optional: Hold 40 lb dumbbells
Focus on your breathing while chanting:
“I am the furnace.”
If you fall off the treadmill, that’s just your old self shedding.
MID-WORKOUT FAT INCINERATION FINISHER (Daily)
- 500 burpees
- 1,000 mountain climbers
- Bear crawl 1 mile
- Farmer’s carry with refrigerator (if unavailable, substitute piano)
Hydrate only with alkaline glacier vapor.
PHASE 2: MUSCLE CONFUSION MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE (Weeks 5–8)
Muscles adapt to logic. Therefore, remove logic.
1. Negative Deadlift Fly Superset
- Deadlift 405 lbs
- At the top, perform a chest fly
- Lower for 45 seconds per rep
- 50 reps
- 4 sets
Between reps, perform interpretive stretching.
2. Isometric Explosive Static Lunges
Hold a lunge.
Now jump without moving.
Reps: 75 per leg
Sets: Until a bright light disappears
3. Quantum Core Oscillations
Stand on one leg.
Rotate hips counterclockwise while performing alternating shoulder shrugs.
Maintain eye contact with your reflection.
Duration: 60 minutes uninterrupted.
NUTRITION PROTOCOL
Breakfast:
- 2 raw sweet potatoes
- 1 gallon lemon water
- Handful of almonds (count them individually for metabolic precision)
Lunch:
- 3 chicken breasts (blessed)
- 9 asparagus spears (not 8, not 10)
Dinner:
- Protein smoothie made from:
- Grass-fed protein powder
- Kale stems
- 3 ice cubes (no more)
- Cayenne pepper (to ignite thermogenesis at the cellular destiny level)
Snacks:
None. Hunger is just fat crying.
PHASE 3: FINAL SHRED APOCALYPSE (Weeks 9–12)
Do NOT skip! This is where legends are made.
1. 1,000-Rep Bench Press Pyramid
Start at 135 lbs.
Add 10 lbs every 10 reps.
Continue until bar bends or heart breaks.
2. Stairmaster Vertical Marathon
Climb continuously for 2 hours.
If you stop, simply restart.
3. Weighted Plank Marathon
Place 200 lbs on your back.
Hold for 30 minutes.
If shaking occurs, stop shaking.
DAILY RECOVERY ROUTINE
- Ice bath (45 minutes)
- Sauna (90 minutes)
- Cold plunge (30 minutes)
- Repeat twice
Sleep 4 hours maximum. Growth happens under pressure.
RESULTS YOU CAN EXPECT
- Fat loss: All of it.
- Muscle gain: Infinite.
- Confidence: Weaponized.
- Friends and family: Concerned.
- Knees: Overrated.
If you’re not sore enough to reconsider your life choices, you’re not doing it correctly.
Remember:
Pain is weakness leaving the body.
Dizziness is fat leaving the soul.
Collapse is just advanced stretching.
Unfollowing the Influencers
After two weeks of following various fitness gurus, I’d accumulated quite a collection: a sore back, a bruised ego, and a growing suspicion that maybe, just maybe, these so-called fitness gurus weren’t designing their workouts with creaky sixty-six-year-olds in mind. Someone who leads a sedentary lifestyle. You know, me!
So I did what I should have done from the beginning. I stopped watching people do impossible things on the internet. I stood up, picked up a couple of light weights I’d bought at a garage sale in 1996, and did a few bicep curls. Then I did some squats. Regular squats, where both feet stay on the ground and nobody’s filming me for content.
It was boring. It was undramatic. There was no one yelling motivational slogans or telling me to “feel the burn.” There was no special technique or secret frequency to unlock. Perfect for a guy who leads a sedentary lifestyle.
But you know what? I did it for 25 minutes. And then I did it again two days later. And then again after that.
Am I following a program? Not really. Am I tracking my macros or optimizing my muscle confusion or whatever it is Brad’s always going on about? Absolutely not. Are my quads complaining loudly every time I do up my shoes? Naturally. Do I have any idea what I’m doing?
Not particularly.
The Real Path From a Sedentary Lifestyle
This is the thing I’m slowly figuring out: maybe that’s okay. Maybe the secret to starting a workout routine as a senior isn’t finding the perfect guru or the most optimized program. Maybe it’s just about moving around a bit and not throwing your back out in the process. As someone who has enjoyed living this sedentary lifestyle for a little too long, just right.
I don’t need a revolutionary system.
I need to stop eating like I’m fueling a snowplow and start moving like a man who wants his socks on without the need for a recovery team.
And someday, if the stars align and my hamstrings cooperate, when I’m no longer living this way too sedentary lifestyle, I might just be flexible enough to trim those toenails without grunting.
Baby steps.
*Not actual people, if you haven’t figured that out yet.
