I know, I once said I’d never write a “Best Of” article on this website, but hey! It’s Father’s Day! And I’m a father! And I like getting stuff, so I decided to write an article about the best gifts for dad on Father’s Day. Bear in mind, just because I choose to write a post like this, doesn’t mean I’m entirely serious…
That’s right, if you choose to continue reading this post, don’t expect a bunch of great gift ideas. Because the fact is, I don’t really want anything for Father’s Day. It’s just not something I look forward to. Like Christmas Day, or a trip to the dentist. And so the idea of suggesting a bunch of great gifts for other father’s who are probably just like me (’cause I’m just a normal dad!), just seems silly. So really, I guess the title of this article is just clickbait. So sorry(not sorry)!
I’m sure you can hit up Google for tons of excellent, well researched articles on websites offering assorted listicles of great Father’s Day gift ideas. This is not one of those articles…
Instead, I’m going to provide you with an absolutely awesome list of products that I wish someone would invent. Because, truthfully, if these were real, I’d be totally okay with my kids getting them for me.
The Finest List of The Best Gifts For Dad On Father’s Day
So if you’re completely stuck on what to get your dear old dad for Father’s Day, read on for a selection of the best gifts for Dad on Father’s Day, that haven’t been invented yet.
The Infallible Dad Translator Helmet
This is a cutting-edge helmet that uses advanced AI technology to instantly decipher your Dad’s mumbled phrases and decode his cryptic dad jokes.
Equipped with built-in speakers, it amplifies Dad’s voice so everyone can hear his wisdom, even in the noisiest of environments.
And, if you shell out some big bucks for their Premium Model, You’ll have an additional setting that lets you translate your kids phrases. Here are a few examples;
Your teen is talking to their friend about having to clean their room.
“Man, I’m going to be forever cleaning my room! Mom won’t let me go out until I finish. Can you help me?”
And their friend answers, “I say we yeet it to the flex-tape level and impress her with our cleaning skills!”
Now The Infallible Dad Translator Helmet goes to work and responds in an authoritative yet friendly voice, “Meaning: To enthusiastically and forcefully attempt a task or action, going above and beyond what is expected or necessary. It’s derived from the slang term “yeet,” which means to throw or discard something with force. The addition of “flex-tape level” refers to the popular infomercial meme, where a product called Flex Tape is shown to have extraordinary strength and effectiveness.
Or this one; Your teen is talking about an amazing dance video that she watched, and she says, “That’s so extra, it’s fireball!” Once again The Infallible Dad Translator Helmet kicks in and responds with “Meaning: Referring to something as exceptionally impressive, amazing, or extraordinary. “Extra” is a slang term meaning over the top or excessive, while “fireball” suggests something that is extremely hot, intense, or exciting.”
Dad will never be in the dark again!
The Dad Bod Mastery System
A state-of-the-art fitness device that effortlessly sculpts your perfect dad bod in no time at all.
The Dad Bod Mastery System uses a combination of vibrating plates, electrodes and “subliminal messaging”, simulating the effects of countless hours spent watching TV on the couch. Strategically placed pillows hide the device and complete the process.
Comes with pre-programmed grunting, farting and snack-crunching sound effects for an authentic dad experience.
That’s right, finally a high-tech device that allows your dad to effortlessly sculpt the perfect dad bod! What used to take years of constant effort is now possible in just hours. This portable machine uses advanced algorithms to simulate beer belly growth, chest hair sprouting, and even adds a simulated “dad strength” to your dad’s arms. Guaranteed to make your dad the envy of all other dads in the neighborhood! Obviously every Dad needs this.
The Time-Freezing Remote Control:
An innovative remote control allowing Dad to freeze time at will.
The Time Freezing Remote Control is perfect for taking long naps during workplace lunch hours, finishing that unfinished DIY project, or simply having some “me time” away from the chaos.
Features a handy “End Argument ” button that instantly stops time when your significant other is getting the upper hand in a heated discussion. The Deluxe model also has an added “Memory Wipe” feature so no one is the wiser!
Ultimately, there are so many uses for the Time Freezing Remote Control. You could become the “Master of Procrastination“. That’s right, all that crap I wrote earlier about procrastinating? Worry no more! With a click of your remote, freeze time and extend those fleeting moments of leisure indefinitely. Why finish that report when you can watch one more episode (or ten) of your favorite Netflix show?
Or become an “Expert Dodger of Awkward Situations”? Social interactions are sometimes awkward and uncomfortable. But fear not, Dads! When conversations turns cringe-worthy, simply freeze time and make a beeline for the exit. Leaving people hanging mid-sentence has never been so amusingly mysterious.
The Unlimited Beer Subscription Box
A never-ending supply of dad-friendly beers delivered straight to your Dad’s doorstep.
This is a selection of the best craft beers curated by discerning “Certified Dad Beer Experts” from around the world. By the way, that would be the best job ever!
This one of a kind subscription box arrives right on time on Father’s Day, with 12 compartments containing a bottle or can of “Top Shelf” brews from talented brewmeisters. But what makes this subscription box special, is that every time you remove a beer from the compartment, a new brew fills the spot. Just like magic! No need to wait a month for the next box to arrive! And no need to worry about finishing the monthly selections before the month is up. Because it’s always full! Hurray! Beer forever!
What’s more, The Unlimited Beer Subscription Box arrives in its very own “Perpetual Cooler”, a unique cooling system that doesn’t require electricity or batteries. Through its revolutionary “Reverse Stasis Refrigeration Matrix”, Your unlimited supply of barley pops stays at just the right temperature. No more throwing a warm one into the freezer and waiting 20 minutes. All thanks to the miracle of “Science”. Gosh I sure do love science…
The “Superhero Dad Cape”
Transform your dad into a bona fide superhero “Dad-venger” with this magical Dad Cape! Made from the finest imaginary fabric, this cape gives your dad the ability to juggle work, family, and home repairs with unmatched ease. Complete with an attached utility belt filled with tools like “never-ending patience” and “infinite dad wisdom,” it’s the ultimate symbol of fatherly awesomeness!
The Superhero Dad Cape does it all! For example, Instant Authority: With the Superhero Dad Cape, you’ll gain an aura of unquestionable authority. No need to argue with your kids or negotiate bedtime anymore. Simply put on the cape, strike a pose, and watch as your little sprogs obey your every command.
Also, Infinite Dad Strength: Forget about spending hours at the gym or practicing your dad bod flexes in the mirror. The Superhero Dad Cape bestows upon you the power of Infinite Dad Strength. Move furniture effortlessly, open the stickiest pickle jars, and even carry the entire grocery haul in one go. Moreover, your neighbors will marvel at your dadly feats of strength!
And finally, Instant Repairs: From broken toys to leaky faucets, the Superhero Dad Cape transforms you into the ultimate handyman. No more calling professionals or wasting money on repairs. With a flick of your cape, any broken item magically mends itself, saving you time, money, and the frustration of not being able to fix things like a true superhero.
Calling All Inventors
Well, there you have it. My list of the best gifts for Dad on Father’s Day that don’t exist, yet. For all you aspiring inventors and innovators out there, I hope I’ve given you some good ideas. I look forward to receiving your requests for permission to create my fantastic product ideas. I only ask that you name them after me, and send me your prototypes. I’m happy to provide beta testing at a reasonable rate.
In the meantime, maybe I’ll get breakfast in bed? Signing off, not holding my breath.
Happy Father’s Day!