'Twas The Night Before Christmas
With Apologies to Clement C. Moore
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
the cats scampered loudly, trying to catch the last mouse;
The stockings were hung by the electric fireplace with tacks,
In hopes that a responsible adult would fill them with snacks;
The kids and our students were all snug in their rooms,
Watching their YouTube, their TikTok and Disney cartoons;
And Heather in her p-jays, and I in my kaftan,
Had just settled in to binge watch The Sandman,
Then outside my window came a noise thru the fog,
I sprang up in fright and spilled all my grog.
Away through the house I stumbled and muddled,
stepped out on the porch and into a puddle.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Couldn’t be seen because of the fog, you know,
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a tiny little sleigh pulled by even tinier reindeer,
And a short pudgy guy who looked like the Wizard of Oz ,
I knew in a moment it must be Mr. Claus.
As quick as a bunny his fleabags they dashed,
And he whistled, and shouted, without being asked;
“Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
Go, COMET! c’mon STUPID! git along, BAMBI and STEVEN!
Stay off of the porch! My motley fur crew!
Get up on the roof! Stop taking so long, or you’ll be my deer stew!”
As helium balloons released from child’s hands must fly,
And catch on a tree branch before finding the sky,
So up to the rooftop the fleabags they flew,
With the sleigh full of merchandise, and the old guy too.
And then, ere I knew it, the beasts crashed overhead,
I hoped they had landed, without much bloodshed.
I ducked back in the house, and was turning around,
When the old guy tumbled out the fireplace, with a terrible sound.
He got back to his feet, cursing a blue streak,
And limped over to the Christmas tree, wiping soot from his cheek;
A sack full of goodies he had flung on his back,
And he looked ’round suspiciously as he opened his sack.
His eyes — how they squinted! he sneered without mirth,
His gaze scanned my home as he gauged my worth;
His odd little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the gleam from his teeth made my living room glow;
The stump of a stogie he held tight in his teeth,
And the blue smoke it spewed smelled distinctly of weed;
He had a red face and a big rotund belly,
That wiggled and jiggled like a plate of vermicelli.
He was chubby and plump, not really that healthy,
And I laughed when I saw him, so I took a selfie;
Glaring at me as he turned his head,
Soon gave me to know I might have misread;
Ignoring me completely, he went straight to his work,
Pretending I wasn’t there, made me feel like a jerk,
When finished laying out presents unaided,
Giving a nod, through the electric fireplace he faded;
He limped to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a Patriot missile.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,